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Post by Dunster on Jan 2, 2005 16:16:12 GMT -5
Politics
A little boy goes to his father.. "dad what is politics?"
"well son, let's take our househould as an example, i am the head of the household, so i will be capitalism, your mom governs the household so she'll be the government, the nanny is the working class, your little baby brother is the future and you are the people. now go and think about that."
at night the little boys awakes, hearing his brother crying. He goes to the room and finds his brother smuged his diapers.
He goes to his parents room, the mother is fast asleep, no way of waking her and his father is not there. So he goes to the nanny's room but the door is locked, he peaks in and sees his father boning the nanny.
so he just goes back to bed..
in the morning he goes to his father; "dad i think i know what politics are!"
"well son then tell me in your own words what you have learned."
"well capitalism screws the working class, while the government is sound asleep, the future sits in deep s**t, and nobody listens to the people!
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Post by Dunster on Jan 2, 2005 16:45:38 GMT -5
what's the difference
between potatoes and ladies?
potatoes don't make their own gravy
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Post by Dunster on Jan 2, 2005 16:49:52 GMT -5
The Pyschiatrist
There were four mothers who all were having troubles with their children. After discussing with each other, they decided to go see a child phychiatrist. The pyschiatrist spends time evaluating the mothers and their children in various situations to determine the underlying cause of the children's problems. After a couple of sessions, the pyschiatrist gathers all the mothers and their children together for some group therapy. He says to the group, "I've come to determine that you all have obsessions." He turns to the first mother, "Your obsession is with food. You even named your daughter Candy." He then turns to the second mother. "You also have an obsession; however, your obsession is with money. This manifests itself through your child's name - Penny." He looks at the third mother. "Yes, you also have an obsession. Your's is a little more serious. Your obsession is with alcohol and you've named your daughter Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother grabs her son by the hand and fiercely whispers "Come on thingy, we're leaving right now!"
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Post by cpedone on Jan 7, 2005 14:29:46 GMT -5
Drinking Problem - An older gentleman walks into Daiker's one afternoon, sits at the corner of the bar and starts drinking whiskey on the rocks one right after the other. After a couple hours the gentleman gets up and staggers into the bathroom. The bartender is wiping down that end of the bar when he hears a loud scream..."Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!" The bartender jumps and asks what the hell was that? The lady sitting next to the old man says that he just went into the bathroom. The bartender decides to go check on him because he had a lot to drink. On his way to the bathroom he hears again "Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!" The bartender knocks on the door: Bartender: "Hey are you alright in there?" Old Man yells back: "Your toilets broke!" Bartender: "What's broke?" Old Man: "Your toilets broke every time I try to flush it crushes my balls!" The bartender opens the door see what's going on.... Bartender: "Ohh no! Hey old man you're sitting on the mop bucket!"  |
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Post by Dunster on Jan 8, 2005 12:57:06 GMT -5
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Post by Dunster on Jan 8, 2005 13:00:07 GMT -5
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's a joke to liven up this board: Walking through the forest:
There’s a pedophile and a little girl walking through the forest in the middle of nowhere…they’ve been walking for quite some time, going across rivers, and over hills. It seems like they’ve been walking forever. Finally the little girl looks up at the man and says “Mr., I’m tired” the man looks back down at the little girl and replies “what the f**k are you crying about, I still have to walk back!”<br>THE END
ha-ha...yea, I’m going to hell, I know
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Post by Dunster on Jan 9, 2005 1:04:33 GMT -5
Pilgrim Journey
A husband and wife are riding down the bumpy road in their wagon, when at a creek the horse comes to a complete stop. The man gets out and slaps the horse "That's one".
He gets back in and starts the wagon moving again, when the horse comes to another creek and stops again. The man gets out and slaps the horse again "That's two".
He continues again down the road, and comes to a third creek. The horse stops again, the man pulls out his rifle and shoots the horse in the head.
The wife starts screaming, "Oh my GOD! What have you done? How are we going to get home? How could you do such a thing?" The man slaps his wife "That's one".
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Post by Dunster on Jan 11, 2005 13:00:16 GMT -5
"Passing of a friend"
The Death of Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a friend by the name of Common Sense. Common sense lived a long life but died from heart failure. No one really knows how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories and offices. He helped folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness.
For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets the worm, and life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in second.
A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including, body piercing, whole language, ebonics and new math. His health declined when he became infected with the "If it only helps one person it's worth it" bug.
In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal regulation. He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers and enlightened auditors. Common Sense knew the end was near when
Schools endlessly implemented zero tolerance policies
Reports of six-year-old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate
A teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch
A teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student
Schools need parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but cannot inform the parent when a student is pregnant or wants an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional sports. Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments, regarding questionable regulations for asbestos, low-flow toilets, smart guns, the nurturing of Prohibition Laws and mandatory air bags.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son Reason. Three stepbrothers survive him: Rights, Tolerance and Whiner. Not many attended his funeral unfortunately, because so few realize he is gone.
Author unknown
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Post by Dunster on Jan 20, 2005 13:15:20 GMT -5
nun's kiss
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring.He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive"! "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me. "She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single; and I'm Catholic too!" "OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley." He does and the Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's, OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
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Post by Dunster on Jan 20, 2005 13:20:21 GMT -5
i like this one
Nine months after the wedding, and the newlyweds are in a hospital room with their parents waiting for the doctor to bring their new "bundle of joy" from the nursery. Everyone is all smiles.
The doctor enters, carefully cradling the newborn in it's swaddling clothes. Just before reaching the bed, the doctor drops the baby on the floor (Smack).
He reaches down in a panic and gets hold of the child's leg, but he pulls up to quickly, loses his hold, and sends the baby flying into the overhead light fixture. Sparks and glass shards go everywhere, and the baby crashes to the floor in a heap.
The doctor rushes to collect the battered child, but mistakenly kicks it instead (like Charlie Chaplin trying to collect his hat), which sends the baby skittering across the floor and directly into the side of the Sharps collection bin. Used needles come pouring out all over the floor and child.
The doctor looks at the horrified couple, cracks a grin and says:
"April Fools! It was already dead!"
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Post by cpedone on Jan 25, 2005 11:18:13 GMT -5
A woman is standing in front of the mirror
reflecting on how much she's aged over the years:
"My eyes are all wrinkled......
my hairs so grey now.....
my breasts just sag....etc...."
Then she looks over at her husband reading
the paper and yells:
"Honey can't you give me just one compliment?"
The husbands looks up and says:
"Your eyesight works good...." ;D
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Post by Dunster on Jan 27, 2005 19:30:44 GMT -5
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years
ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the
old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty
years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know,honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are
as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
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Post by adirondawgs on Jan 29, 2005 8:37:43 GMT -5
Fleas on vacation
Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami
for a vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's
shivering and shaking. The other flea asks him, "Why are you
shaking so badly?" The first flea says, " I rode down here from
New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel.
Try what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few
drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl
up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best
way to travel that I can think of." The first flea thanks the second
flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by......... When the first flea shows up in Miami he
is shivering and shaking again. The second flea says, "Didn't
you try what I told you?" "Yes,"says the first flea, "I did exactly
as you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few
drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled
right up to where it was warm and cozy. It was so nice and
warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the
mustache of a guy on a Harley."
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Post by steve on Jan 29, 2005 18:36:43 GMT -5
what do u tell a woman with 2 black eyes
nothing you already told her twice
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Post by Dunster on Jan 30, 2005 20:15:32 GMT -5
Cruel, but funny
What's better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics?
Not being retarded
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