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Post by Dunster on Mar 16, 2005 11:07:28 GMT -5
Q: What"s the worst part about having sex with a vegetable?
A: Putting her back in her wheelchair.
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Post by Dunster on Mar 17, 2005 13:15:07 GMT -5
Q; Why is is so hard to solve a red neck murder? ...
A: Because there are no dental records and all the DNA is the same
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Post by Dunster on Mar 21, 2005 9:54:16 GMT -5
tickle me this
There is a factory which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 a.m .
The next day at 8:45 a.m. there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman."I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday".
"Your job is to give Elmo two "test" tickles".
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Post by Dunster on Mar 25, 2005 11:14:04 GMT -5
Fridays in Hell
...One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "d**n, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow," the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean ... "
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Then the demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
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Post by Dunster on Mar 29, 2005 9:40:15 GMT -5
Note to self:
Seeing a woman in a GUESS sweatshirt does not mean you're supposed to guess their weight; you will not be winning any prizes.
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Post by Dunster on Mar 31, 2005 13:47:42 GMT -5
This One Is Really Bad...
What's the best thing about showering with a 14 year old girl?
You can slick her hair back and she looks 12.
I'm sorry...
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Post by Dunster on Apr 3, 2005 12:18:39 GMT -5
Q: What does it say on Johnny Cochran’s head stone?
A: O.J. did it!
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Post by Dunster on Apr 7, 2005 7:58:06 GMT -5
2 boys
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old, "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'" The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs, crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit and slapping his rear with every step. After a firm paddling, his mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
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Post by Dunster on Apr 12, 2005 8:43:08 GMT -5
anniversary
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my
face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today."
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Post by Dunster on May 1, 2005 17:32:07 GMT -5
Little boy in the closet
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom
closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "Ok, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that .. that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that s**t again, you're in my closet now."
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Post by Dunster on May 19, 2005 13:54:15 GMT -5
I could see it....
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
One day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically, the blonde responds to her husband, "Shut up... you're next."
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Post by Dunster on May 27, 2005 8:37:40 GMT -5
51 Days
3 blondes walk into a bar and sit down at a table. They order up some champagne and start talking loudly. The bartender takes notice and wonders if something's going on.
About 10 minutes later, 3 more blondes come in. They come over to the table and order up some more champagne. The group starts getting louder and louder, and the bartender wonders what they're all doing there, and why they're celebrating.
A couple minutes later, 5 more blondes come in, order up some more drinks, and join the others. They get even louder and start chanting "51 Days!! 51 Days!!" One of them takes out a picture frame and sets it down on the table, and the group just erupts, marching around the table and yelling, "51 DAYS!!! 51 DAYS!!!"
So finally, the bartender's just too curious. He goes over to the table and asks the woman who brought the picture in, "What's all the noise for? What's in that picture frame and what's all this '51 days' business?"
So the woman turns the picture frame around. It's a picture of Cookie Monster. "Well," she says, "we got tired of people making all those dumb blonde jokes. So we got this puzzle. The box said '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 Days!"
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Post by Dunster on Jun 10, 2005 16:17:16 GMT -5
2 dead boys
Ladies and jellysthingys, hobos and tramps,
cross-eyed mosquitos and bow-legged ants,
I stand before you to sit behind you
to tell you something I know nothing about.
Next Thursday, which is Good Friday,
there's a Mother's Day meeting for fathers only;
wear your best clothes if you haven't any.
Please come if you can't; if you can, stay at home.
Admission is free, pay at the door;
pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
It makes no difference where you sit,
the man in the gallery's sure to spit.
The show is over, but before you go,
let me tell you a story I don't really know.
One bright day in the middle of the night,
two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and came and killed the two dead boys.
A paralysed donkey passing by
kicked the blind man in the eye;
knocked him through a nine-inch wall,
into a dry ditch and drowned them all.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
ask the blind man; he saw it too,
through a knothole in a wooden brick wall.
And the man with no legs walked away.
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Post by Dunster on Jul 21, 2005 22:51:28 GMT -5
A mother races to the physiatrist’s office with her son. She tells the Doctor her son is losing his mind. He thinks he is invisible. The doctor responds “I can’t see him today, bring him back tomorrow”.
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Post by webmaster on Aug 1, 2005 7:42:03 GMT -5
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once the parrot understood the tricks, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or, "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days... and then 3 days. Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold it back any longer and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the hells the ship?"
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