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Post by webmaster on Aug 1, 2005 8:09:39 GMT -5
When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk next time, just smile and think of this:
A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940's she read an advertisement offering $5000 for the best slogan. The
producers wanted a rhyme beginning with: "Carnation milk is best of all,..."
She thought; I know all about dairy farms... So I can do this!
She sent in her entry and about a week later a black limo drove up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000 even though we will not be able to use it.
Here is her entry...
Carnation Milk is best of all,
No tits to pull, no hay to haul.
No buckets to wash, no nuts to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-pregnant dog
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Post by Dunster on Sept 6, 2005 21:48:48 GMT -5
Olsen Twins
This one is courtesy of tshirthell.com (at least I think that is the web address).
So the t-shirt goes a little something like this:
"I slept with the Olsen twins before they were famous"
Pretty disgusting but d**ned funny if you realize that there are people really out there wearing that shirt, ha ha.
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Post by Dunster on Sept 6, 2005 21:50:56 GMT -5
"Michael Jackson Gets Off"
What did Micheal Jackson say after the trial was over?
"I never thought 12 adults would get me off"
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Post by Dunster on Sept 6, 2005 22:12:20 GMT -5
New Orleans: When the Mayor and Governor Tell you there is a mandatory evacuation! Maybe next category 4 hurricane, the 200,000 people who stayed will follow the 800,000+ who left! This was a joke.
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Post by Dunster on Sept 20, 2005 8:00:53 GMT -5
Blonde Golf
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to
take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.
The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too
hard. Grip the club gently as you would your husband's thingy.".
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards
straight down the fairway.
The pro said "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this
time take the club out of your mouth."
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Post by Dunster on Sept 20, 2005 8:02:39 GMT -5
Suicide Blonde
A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar and watching the 11:00 P.M. news. A man is standing on the ledge of a high-rise building, contemplating suicide.
The brunette says to the blonde: "I'll bet you $20.00 that the man jumps off that building and commits suicide."
The blonde thinks for a moment then replies: "OK, you're on!"
They watch for a few minutes and sure enough, the man jumps off the ledge. The blonde sighs and reaches for her wallet, but the brunette stops her, saying: "I can't take your money - I feel too guilty. I have to confess that I watched the 6:00 P.M. news this evening and I knew that the man would jump.
The blonde replied: "Oh! I watched the 6:00 P.M. news too, but I didn't think he'd jump off again!"
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Post by Dunster on Sept 20, 2005 8:05:58 GMT -5
Toilet Paper
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde.
The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper."
After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.
The redhead says, "What's so funny?"
The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"
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Post by Dunster on Sept 26, 2005 20:40:35 GMT -5
2 potheads
So two potheads have been charged with possession :-( and both plead "no contest." The judge decides to be lenient on them and not give them any time if they spend the next 24 hours reforming evil drug users. (Must have been a first offense.) They return to the courthouse the next day and the judge asks them how many people they've gotten off drugs. The first guy says, "Twenty-four!" "Amazing," says Hizzoner, since that's about 12,000 times better than the statistics. "How'd you do it?" "Simple," says the head. "I just show them: 'O' - This is your brain; 'o' - this is your brain on drugs."
"Impressive," says the judge. Turning to the second head, he says, "And how did you fare?" "Yer honor, I saved 233 souls from the bonds of the evil weed." "And how did you manage that?" "Kinda the same as the other guy, 'cept I told people: 'o' - this is your not a very nice person; 'O' - THIS is your a**hole in prison."
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Post by Dunster on Sept 29, 2005 7:16:43 GMT -5
Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers...
10) YOU HAVE TO SIT UPRIGHT AND LOOK OVER THE TOP OF THE STEERING WHEEL.
9) THERE IS NO MIDDLE OF THE SEAT TO SLOUCH ON.
8) HANDGUNS WON'T STAY UNDER THE FRONT SEAT.
7) ENGINES DROWN OUT THE SOUND OF RAP MUSIC.
6) YOU CAN'T STOP ON THE TRACK WITH YOUR DOOR OPEN TO VISIT A BRO.
5) PIT CREWS CAN'T WORK ON THE CAR AND HOLD UP THEIR PANTS AT THE SAME TIME.
4) THERE IS NO REAR PASSENGER SEAT FOR THE 'HO'.
3) CADILLAC DOES NOT SPONSOR CARS OR DRIVERS.
2) YOU CAN'T WEAR YOUR HELMET SIDEWAYS.
AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR:
1) YOU CAN'T BAIL OUT AND RUN FROM THE SCENE OF A CRASH.
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Post by Dunster on Oct 14, 2005 23:30:47 GMT -5
GEORGE BURNS AND OPRAH
When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.
She said, "Mr. Burns how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable."
Mr. Burns said," I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."
Oprah said," I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age."
George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it."
Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?"
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."
George said, "The second time is even better than the first time."
Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"
George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour .You hold my testicles in
Your left hand and my thingy in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes."
When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.
She said, "Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My,Oh My!!!"
George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold
My testicles in your left hand and my thingy in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes."
Oprah said, "Tell me, does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?"
George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman, she stole my wallet".
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Post by Dunster on Oct 15, 2005 10:24:58 GMT -5
The Reverend Jesse Jackson was holding a press conference in the appliance department of a Sears store in Chicago.
He was there to protest the fact that all the washing machines were white.
So the clerk called the store manager, who asked, "What's the problem here, Reverend?" Jesse pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that all of them were white.
The manager replied, "Well, Reverend, it's true that all the washing machines are white, but if you'll open the lids, you'll see that all the agitators are black."
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Post by Dunster on Oct 16, 2005 19:24:03 GMT -5
Ethics Test
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you, caused by a hurricane, with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. . Somehow the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under . . . forever.
You have two options--you can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women.
So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
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Post by Dunster on Oct 17, 2005 10:31:28 GMT -5
WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the
Presbyterian and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double Dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
They forgot the German bra… Holtzemfromfloppen
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Post by Dunster on Oct 22, 2005 22:49:45 GMT -5
Confucius Say...
Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
Passionate kiss like spider web....lead to undoing of fly.
Man with holes in pocket, feels thingyy all day.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
Virginity like balloon....one prick, all gone.
Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
Baseball all wrong....man with four balls can't walk.
Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man with thingy in peanut butter is f**king nuts.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have nutsty time.
Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
Woman who fly plane upside down have crackup.
Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.
A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.
Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.
Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
Elevator smell different to midget.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Work to become, not to acquire.
A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
Find old man in dark, not hard!
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
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Post by Dunster on Oct 23, 2005 7:41:12 GMT -5
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job four years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars, play golf, cruise around, and shoot the breeze with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter graduated from college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't, need him anymore.
You're a United States Senator from New York, act like it
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