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Post by Dunster on Dec 5, 2005 13:43:44 GMT -5
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE not mind readers. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like northing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
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Post by Dunster on Dec 5, 2005 15:50:07 GMT -5
4 SECRETS TO A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP
1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans
2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money
3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex
4.IT IS ESSENTIAL THAT THESE THREE WOMEN NEVER MEET !
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Post by Dunster on Jan 5, 2006 20:38:44 GMT -5
So this guy walks out of his front door...
...and (wouldn't you know it!) there's a gorilla in the tree in his front lawn.
Cautious, he retreats back inside and shuts the door. He rifles through the Yellow Pages until he comes upon: Gorilla Removal Services (not a very big ad.)
He calls and explains his dilema. The G.R.S. replies that they'll send someone out pronto.
About fifteen minutes later, a white van with the words, Gorilla Removal Service, emblazoned on the side pulls up to his house. A man emerges from the van and surveys the situation. The man is armed with a long pole, a pair of large handcuffs dangling from his belt, and a shotgun slung-over his shoulder. The homeowner notices a small chihuahua following the Gorilla Removal expert. As this professional treads across the front lawn, his gaze never leaves the arboreal behemoth, which stares right back at him. The small dog prances in his wake.
When he reaches the front door, the homeowner opens it.
"This is what's gonna happen," the G.R. explains, "I'm going to climb your tree."
He then hands the man the oversized pair of manacles.
"I aim to poke that gorilla with this pole until it falls from the tree. At that point, my specially-trained chihuahua will instinctively rush the dazed primate and bite it in the nuts. The gorilla, like any creature that has just been bitten in the nuts, will reflexively reach for its injured testicles. When it does this, I need you to slap the handcuffs on it. I'll then haul it into the van and take it for processing."
The homeowner scratched his head. "Let me get this straight," he stammered, "You're planning to poke that gorilla out of the tree with that pole."
"Correct," replied the G.R.
"Then, your dog will bite it in the groin and I'm supposed to put these handcuffs on its wrists as it reaches down?"
"Also affirmative."
The homeowner eyed the 12 guage.
"Then what is the shotgun for?" he inquired.
The G.R. handed the man the shotgun.
"In case...," he explained, "the gorilla manages to knock ME out of the tree...
SHOOT THE CHIHUAHUA!"
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Post by jerm b on Jan 9, 2006 22:40:34 GMT -5
I'M A FARMER YOUR A FARMER,I HAVE A ROOSTER YOU HAVE A DONKEY, YOUR DONKEYJUMPS OVER THE FENCE AND BITES MY ROOSTERS LEGS OFF WHAT DO YOU GOT?? TWO FEET OF MY thingy IN YOUR ASS!
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Post by Dunster on May 6, 2006 15:01:49 GMT -5
Cuckoo House
In the psychiatric hospital the patients are having their walk in the yard.
One moment without any reason Andy jumps in the pool and stays on the bottom. Maria sees him, jumps with self-sacrifice, and gives him the kiss of life.
The doctors where very happy for two reasons: firstly Andy was saved and secondly Maria reacted in a very rational way. That’s why the thought of releasing her.
They call her in the office and tell her:
Maria we have some news, one good and one bad. Which one would you like to hear first?
The good one!
Today you reacted in a very rational way at the incident outside in the pool. We believe that there is no reason to keep you in this clinic. We are giving you your release slip but… there’s also the bad news. As it seems Andy was determined to take his own life. Right after his rescue, we found him hanged by his belt in his room.
No! He did not kill himself! I hung him there to dry. When do I check out?!
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Post by Dunster on May 6, 2006 15:08:03 GMT -5
Stiff neck
A young boy came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
"This is your grandma's idea."
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Post by cpedone on Jan 22, 2007 9:14:12 GMT -5
A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that?" asked his wife. Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. Did you help him? She asks No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!", replies the drunk.
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Post by yamaha22 on Jan 23, 2007 22:09:41 GMT -5
Republican? Democrat? or Redneck?
________________________________________
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have
mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock t he knife out of
his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound
me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away
while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a
happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a
consensus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:
BANG !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.....
(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click ...
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Tips
or Hollow Points?"
Son: "You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?"
Wife: "You are not taking that to the taxidermist!
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Post by cpedone on Jun 27, 2007 9:36:18 GMT -5
In 1986, Mike Hogan was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mike approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mike worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man,and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mike stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mike never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty-one years later, Mike was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mike and his son Owen were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mike, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mike couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mike summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mike's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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Post by cpedone on Jul 16, 2007 8:20:35 GMT -5
LOVE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act,
She immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged;
Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"
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